


Why would you want to do that?

by screamingatthevoid



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF, Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: 18th Century, Body Dysphoria, Canon Era, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cunnilingus, F/M, Falling In Love, Fights, First Time, Happy Ending, Historical, Historical Inaccuracy, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury Recovery, Jealousy, Loss of Virginity, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Violence, Misunderstandings, Not Beta Read, Pain, Secret Marriage, Smut, Thighs, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:13:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23787628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screamingatthevoid/pseuds/screamingatthevoid
Summary: The cold and rain at Valley Forge were making in nearly impossible to the sleep, throw in Alexander and John sharing a bed, let's just say they find something to do instead of sleeping. This leads to a whole world of hurt for Alexander, for both of them need to learn how to talk.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/George Washington, John Laurens/Martha Manning
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Guess what I did instead of sleeping?  
> This.  
> On a serious note Alexander is trans, he use feminine words for his parts and I know that can make people uncomfortable.  
> I also know as some who is a trans man the way Alexander binds is unsafe but it is the 1700.

Rain battered angrily against the canvas tent. It was freezing at Valley Forge, John and Alexander hunkered down in a shared bed, their thick woolen coats piled on top of the other blankets. But John was still cold and couldn't sleep. The way Alexander was shifting in his sleep was creating a unique problem within his pants. The images in his mind were too sinful to be about his best friend. He prayed to God that the problem would go away on its own.  
God must have been asleep because the problem was still going strong. He thought about the fact nobody could hear him through the rain and Alexander was too asleep to care or think he would just think he was only moving in his sleep.  
John let out a sigh of relief when his hand made contact with the bulge in his pants. It felt too risky to untuck himself and settled for grinding against his palm.  
"John?"  
Clearly God wasn't asleep and it was time for consequences.  
"Would you like help?" Alexander rolled over.  
All John's words got stuck in his throat, the way Alexander was rubbing his hip caused his heart to race and a breakneck pace. His hand traced his lower until it was on top of John's. Alexander moved John's hand away and unbuttoned his breeches. John nodded hastily.  
Alexander jacked him off hard and fast. John bucked into the movements chasing the pleasure he shouldn't be sharing with his friend.  
He came with a moan grabbing at Alexander's wrists.  
Alexander wiped his hand against John's hip. John cleaned himself with the scratchy woolen blanket then tucked himself back into his pants. Alexander rolled back over.  
"Would you now like me to help you?" John asked after a long pause. Alexander said nothing. John took that as a yes, he began gently stroking his hip.  
"I'm not who you think I am." Alexander muttered.  
"What?" John laughed assuming it was some strange joke, "who are you?"  
"I was born a woman."  
John laughed again, "Okay." he continued to draw circles on Alexander's hip.  
John clearly wasn't getting it, Alexander sighed and unbuttoned his waistcoat then took John's hand. He led under his shirt and with his other hand he moved the bandage binding his breasts.  
"Okay," John breathed and gently squeezed the soft mound in his hand "would you still like help?"  
Alexander swallowed, for obvious reasons he never courted with anyone even though he looked at both men and women. Alexander nodded. He trusted John yet fear coursed through his veins.  
John pushed him against the feather mattress, he sat himself in between Alexander's legs and unbuttoned his shirt, "Tell me if you find anything unenjoyable." John whispered then kissed Alexander's collarbone while massaging his breast.  
Alexander nodded dumbly.  
John kissed his way down to his breast, careful not to leave any marks. Alexander moaned when he traced his nipple with his tongue. John's hand left his breast and made it way down to Alexander's breeches, he looked up to check if he was okay. He looked offended that he'd stopped so that was a good sign.  
Alexander moaned louder, his thighs tingled as a whole new world of pleasure was opened up to him, all by John's fingers.  
John tried to test the waters further, he pushed a finger into Alexander. Alexander groaned, pushed him away, shaking his head.  
"Did you not like that?"  
"No but I would like you to return to what was happening before."  
"Can I try something new?" John asked, Alexander looked skeptical, "I won't do anything think like that again but I would like to use my mouth,"  
Alexander wrinkled his nose, "why would you want to do that?"  
"Because it would bring you pleasure?"  
Alexander had heard men in bars drunkenly talking about such feats that it must be common and if felt any like what John's tongue had felt on his nipples, oh God. Alexander nodded.  
John pulled Alexander's breeches down future, granting him access to Alexander's vulva. He licked a strip down from the clit to his hole. Alexander stayed quiet. John tried a different approach, he focused on the clit. Swirling his tongue around it. Alexander moaned and squeezed his leg shut, his hand reached for John's long curls.  
John's hand moved up the bed, on its way it found Alexander's clutching at the sheets, he took in his. His other hand rested on Alexander's stomach and felt every small squirm. He quickened his pace as Alexander got wetter and more desperate for relief. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears as Alexander's thighs closed tight on his head.  
John took a second breather that caused Alexander to make a sound of protest. John used the hand that wasn't being crushed by Alexander's. A few good strokes of his clit and Alexander was coming. His legs twitch at the force of it and he let out a lound "Fuck" that hopefully wouldn't be heard threw the ran. Alexander took a few deep breaths to compose himself. John didn't let go of his hand but managed to pull his breeches.  
"Can I kiss you?" John asked, not expecting a response.  
There was a quiet "Yes" from Alexander. John lay across him then took his cheek, tilted his head and kissed his chapped lips.  
Alexander quickly pulled away finding his taste unpleasant and made him question if John had enjoyed that at all.  
If the grin on his face was anything to go by, yes John had very much enjoyed that and was disappointed he didn't get to see Alexander's face when he came. He whispered sorry then curled up bedsided him.  
The room felt a great deal warmer now, warm enough for them to fall asleep. And forget the shame and guilt that would come with the morning


	2. Chapter 2

Five am on the dot and Alexander was awake. He woke John up when he tried to untangle himself. John relinquished his arms and rolled over, realizing what they had done. Alexander dressed quickly then disappeared to write correspondence to Congress, he didn't even look back at John, too afraid to face the secret they now shared.  
They didn't face it when John turned up to Washington's meeting, unlike usual they sat away from each other, barely making eye contact. Alexander drowned himself in unnecessary work, John went to discuss battle plans with Lafayette. Nighttime was when it was unavoidable, it weighed heavily in the tent. Alexander felt like the air was suffocating him, maybe he could see if Lafayette had a bed to spare.

John dumped his jacket on the bed and undid the first few buttons of his waistcoat, "We cannot live without addressing this," he began then Alexander interrupted him.  
"I think I am in love with you." Alexander didn't look at him.  
"What?"  
"I love you." It was not just because of last night, Alexander had a whole list but he couldn't vocalize it.  
John got off the bed, he placed a hand on Alexander's shoulder. He turned around with a tear running down his cheek. John couldn't get any words out and decided to kiss him. Alexander returned it with more force, taking that as his admittance of love. That would be a miscommunication.  
John pushed Alexander's jacket down, it hit the ground with a soft thud. Alexander's heart raced as he was pulled towards the bed. "Can I try something? I promise you'll enjoy it."   
Alexander nodded, trusting him with his life, he lay down on top of the blankets and jacket. "Are you warm enough?" John whispered against his lips, another nod. John carefully undressed Alexander while showering him in kisses. "Still warm enough?"  
"Yes, just disappointed I'm the only one naked."  
John laughed, then started taking his shirt and waistcoat off, envy burnt in Alexander's stomach at the sight of John's flat, toned chest. The breeches stayed on, the disappointment was forgotten when John kissed the swell of his breast, his thighs tingled in anticipation. The pain of a love bite being sucked onto it was surprisingly enjoyable, the edge was taken off by the circles he was tracing on the other nipple. Alexander's hips bucked, demanding John's attention, he ignored it and continued paining both breasts in purple bruises. He was thankful for the lamp on the bedside table that allowed him to see Alexander bite back his pleasure. He decided that was enough teasing and reached his hands down to Alexander's vulva. Lightly he traced his clit, "Would you like to know what I would like to try?"  
Alexander nodded eagerly.  
John undid his breeches, "Put your thighs together," John spat on his hand and wiped it on his cock, "I promise I will not put it in you, just between your thighs. Are you okay?"  
Alexander nodded.  
John sat behind him and pushed in between the gap in his thigh. The rhythm was set by the finger hastily stroking Alexander's clit. John leaned on his elbow, he was now close enough to kiss Alexander's on the forward thrust. Alexander went from holding back his moans to full-on blasphemy, John followed suit. Alexander reached down. A few more strokes with the added friction had John cumming over Alexander's stomach. He took a moment to breathe, leaving Alexander wet and desperate. John spitting on his hand was an unnecessary detail that Alexander ended up enjoying a great deal. John lay across him, they locked lips, John's tongue asked for entrance. Alexander granted it in between a moan caused by John's fingers on his clit. It didn't take long before he was cumming, legs twitching, and hand grasping at John's hair. John was stunned by the way his eyes rolled back and bit his lip.

John stayed on top of him as he caught his breath and calmed down. John was careful not to leave any marks on Alexander's neck. "There will be a chill tonight, you should get dressed again." John kissed him once more then tucked himself back into his breeches and put his shirt back on.  
Alexander wiped his stomach clean with a cravat abandoned next to the lamp, then redressed himself and got into the bed next to John who put a welcoming arm around him. Deep down the fear that Alexander would forever be alone due to the circumstance of his birth. This could easily be remedied by him accepting his fate as a woman, in all honesty, that thought made him sick to his stomach. Luckily John appeared to be an unseen solution. Alexander kissed him then shut the lamp off, nestled down for a night in the warmth and comfort in John's arms. Alexander fell asleep feeling like the cat who's got the cream.  
Naturally, Alexander woke up at the usual five am. John liked to hold tightly onto the last dregs of sleep but he found new enjoyment in watching Alexander standing in front of the tall mirror, naked from the waist up, "Admiring my work?"  
Alexander pressed his arm over his chest and turned to glare at him. He picked up the bandage from the clothes pile on the rickety chair beside him. He began tightly wrapping it around his chest.  
"Does that not hurt?"  
Alexander shrugged, pinning the end down, "You get used to it."  
"I'm sure with all the layers your wear nobody would notice,"  
"I'm fine."  
"You shouldn't be fine with pain, we all see you as a man, I am sure this will not change that."  
"I'm fine." Alexander insisted tugging his shirt down into his breeches. The room was quiet, John stayed in bed feeling wounded. Alexander finished getting dressed, he pulled his long jacket on and turned to look at John "We have a meeting soon, you should be getting dressed."  
With a sigh John got out of bed, he checked if there was anyone walking past. There was not, so he rested his arms over Alexander's shoulder, he asked with his eyes if this was okay. Alexander nodded and leaned into the quick kiss.  
The meeting passed like they always did, with Alexander asking too many questions and writing fervent notes. John had always admired the way Alexander's mind worked. It was like watching a horse race that he needed to win.  
Lafayette stopped them as they left, "Monsieur Laurens, I am in awe that you are not exhausted from Alexander keeping the lamp on at all hours."  
Alexander blush, fear digging a pit in his stomach. John laughed him off, "I have become used to it."  
"Why were you up Lafayette?" Alexander wanted to check his intentions.  
"I was homesick and went for a walk, I am sure you understand."  
Alexander nodded, fear still lingering, "Work will take your mind off it, that usually works for me."  
"Thank you for the advice."  
Alexander smiled falsely, John excused them and off they went in their separate ways. Aley waited a few moments then went after John. "He knows." Alexander said through gritted teeth.  
John dismissed his worries with a shake of his head.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important note: This chapter contains both violence and misunderstandings around consent. No rape happens but it is on the verge of not having full consent.

Fear still lingered every time they slept together, in spite of this Alexander felt the happiest he’d ever been. He could not even begin to imagine his life without John. He was so thankful that now he had someone he’d trusted to share his secret, it felt like a burden had been taken off his chest. He loved the way John would stay with him through the long night he spent writing to afraid to sleep due to the thoughts going on in his head. Alexander let a few details of that slip. John seemed to understand, he too wanted to leave what his parents forced upon him.

Six weeks of this and war had to interrupt, John had been sent to lead down in South Carolina. Leaving Alexander in Philadelphia. He tried to convince Washington that he should go instead, Washington wasn’t having it. Alexander was made to stay and write correspondence. Clearly more exciting than fighting in a battle.  
The first week in which Alexander barely slept, the worry that something had happened weighed heavily on his conscience. Everybody noticed the toll it was taking on him, the quality of letters deteriorated but not the quantity. Washington had Lafayette intervene before he crashed and burned.  
“I am well aware that some of us can function on only a few hours of the sleep but I have never met anyone who can on none,” Layette said before Alexander could enter his tent for a night of writing, Alexander turned to look at him unamused, “You miss him, do you not?”  
“What do you want?”  
“For you to get some sleep,”  
“I can sleep when I’m dead.”  
“You will be dead in a few hours and John will not be very pleased,”  
Alexander sighed, “And what are your solutions?”  
“Would you like to stay with me for tonight?”  
Alexander shrugged, he thought for a moment, then muttered “Fine.”

He followed Lafayette the short distance to his tent, he gestured for Alexander to enter before him. Alexander hunkered himself down in the bed once he had taken off his shoes and jacket. Lafayette undressed then joined him in his nightgown, “You do not have sleep clothes? Americans are strange.” he quipped.  
Alexander said nothing, exhaustion was catching up to him.  
“I am aware of you and John,”  
“What!?”  
“Do you think I am deaf and blind?” Alexander’s heart raced, he felt the darkness closing in on him, “Do not worry,” Lafayette continued, “why do you think I left my wife back in France,”  
“What?” Alexander was too tired to process this, his head started to hurt.  
“Yes, I am like Alexander. A queer, a faggot, a sodomite, whatever other nasty names you can come up with.”  
Alexander’s brain took a second, “I thought you were just French,” Alexander said dumbly thinking about the first time they met, Lafayette kissed him on both cheeks, squeezed him a little too tightly as his hand traveled dangerously south.  
Once Lafayette finished his laughing fit he said, “I can be both you know.”  
Alexander nodded, murmuring out “Yep.”  
There was a long silence, Alexander rolled over to look into Lafayette’s soft brown eyes. “Sorry, I need to confide that to someone,” Lafayette whispered, moving closer so that their legs touched.  
“I understand.” Alexander worried where this was leading.  
Lafayette cupped Alexander’s cheek, he stroked his jawline with his thumb, “You are beautiful,” he tilled Alexander’s head up and kissed his lips.  
Alexander seized up, he panicked and kneed Lafayette’s groin, not hard enough to cause much pain but hard enough to make Lafayette pull back and look to see if he was okay. Alexander shook his head, “I’m sorry, my loyalty lies with John.”  
“Oh, I should be the one apologizing, I am sorry.”  
“It’s fine.” Alexander rolled over, Lafayette’s back was pressed against his. Alexander couldn’t sleep, it wasn’t due to Lafayette. He was happy to have someone warming the bed, but he could shake the feeling of dread.

Everything was fine the next morning and over the week. Alexander had been getting more sleep in the makeshift comfort of Lafayette’s arms. A letter came for John that concerned Alexander, who was a Martha Manning and why was she writing?  
Lafayette instilled the fear that this may be John’s wife. Alexander didn’t dare look at the letter, terrified to confirm his suspicions. The letter sat on his desk tormenting him. Two weeks later, John had not returned, temptation had gotten to Alexander. He slipped out from Lafayette’s arms and trekked barefoot across the damp muddy ground. Regrette was immediate, Alexander only read the first few lines before he was blinded by tears with the confirmation of his worries. He now knew why his showers of love and affection were never reimbursed. Because he never loved him, his heart lay across the ocean and Alexander was merely a plaything to pass the time.  
Alexander sobbed so hard he did not hear Lafayette come in, “I told you not to read it.” he said, pulling a chair beside Alexander.  
Alexander didn’t want his comfort, he felt so fucking angry. He wanted to fight, no scratch that he wanted the living shit beaten out of him so he could feel something that was anything but this. “He never fucking loved me!” Alexander screamed getting up and kicking the chair across the room.  
“Please calm down Alexander.” Lafayette said quietly.  
Alexander continued to kick to the chair until Lafayette stopped him by engulfing him in a bear hug. Lafayette repeated himself and still, Alexander ignored him. He managed to break free by elbowing him in the kidney. Lafayette tried to grab him again, Alexander kicked him hard in the shin. As a reflex Lafayette smacked his cheek twice as hard, which was the wrong approach. It was pouring water onto an oil fire. Alexander’s hands balled into fists. He landed a solid punch to the right of Lafayette’s face. Lafayette launched for his neck. Alexander may have won his fair share of street fights but the way Lafayette squeezed tightly on his neck causing black spots to fuzz his visions and Lafayette’s forceful brutality. He was overpowered and pinned to the bed, “Don’t you dare fucking hit me.” Lafayette growled through heaving breaths, his grip easing around Alexander’s neck.  
“Then hit me back! Get your revenge!” Alexander spat.  
Lafayette sighed and moved a hand off Alexander’s neck, he pressed it across Alexander’s chest, “Why do you not wait to see his opinion?” Alexander was still struggling, trying to kick him off him, his hands working on getting the arm off his neck.  
“I don’t need to! It’s written down right there! Now hit me!! Get your fucking revenge!!”  
“Why?” Lafayette said flatly.  
That faltered Alexander, “Because I deserve it!”  
Lafayette tightened the hand around Alexander’s neck, just enough to make the fuzz return, “Why?”  
Alexander’s brain was short-circuiting, the way Lafayette was looking and holding had awakened something deep inside. If John could have a secret side lover, why couldn’t he?  
Alexander readjusted and wrapped his legs around Lafayette’s waist.  
“I thought your loyalty lay with John?’ Lafayette’s grip softened.  
Alexander glared at him, Lafayette made the assumption that was consent and kissed him roughly, he used his hips to push Alexander further onto the bed. Alexander had become used to the safety of John and left out a key detail.  
Lafayette wasn’t going to hit him but he sure as hell was going to make this hurt. Lafayette turned Alexander over onto his back, Alexander’s feet nearly touching the floor, the side of the bed bruising his stomach. Lafayette held Alexander’s head into the mattress with a firm hand in Alexander’s hair, with the hand that was unoccupied, he tugged down his breeches. When he started on Alexander’s the realization of what was to come hit Alexander like a tonne of bricks. He struggled, panic rising as he felt a cool breeze across his ass. His “No!” was muffled by the mattress, he managed to land a hard kick to the inside of Lafayette’s thigh. This knocked him out of the rhythm and annoyed him, he turned Alexander back over, “Why can you not,-” seeing what was between Alexander’s legs stopped him in his tracks.  
Alexander scurried away from him and wrapped the cold blanket around his naked lower half. He wanted to apologize. He wanted the ground to open and swallow him. God, he wanted anything to make Lafayette’s eyes stop staring at him.  
Lafayette blinked as a way to rest his brain, “You have a cunt?”  
That wasn’t a word Alexander would use but he nodded.  
“This was unexpected but I can still accommodate. If you would like?”  
Alexander let out a long breath, maybe he should have talked before this began. Time for a remedial talk, “I don’t like things in me, umm, yeah, I don’t know what else,”  
“Have you only slept with John?” Lafayette pulled his breeches back and sat beside him, Alexander glumly nodded, “How about masturbation?” Alexander wrinkled his nose and shook his head, “What is that face about?”  
“I guess, I’m grossed out by my body. I’m okay with people taking the lead, I guess.”  
Lafayette slowly nodded, “So what would you like from me?”  
“I want it to hurt.”  
A thought hit Lafayette, Alexander was still angry and susceptible to regret, he could see the fear and vulnerability in his eyes "No." Alexander looked confused, "You need to talk to John. I am sure he has his reasons."  
Alexander looked dejected, he knew that was most likely true and now he had to bask in the shame of his actions, "I'm sorry." he whispered.  
"I would just not want you to do something you may regret, nor would I like you to lose someone you clearly love."  
The vulnerability scared Alexander, "Well now you too much about me and I'm going to have to kill you." he joked to deflect away from it.  
Lafayette laughed, "And there is the Alexander I know and love."  
"Do you love me?" Alexander asked offhandedly, pulling his breeches up and wiped away the dried tears for his cheek.  
"In a very liberal sense of the word, yes, yes I do. Now you should get some rest."  
Alexander had depleted all of his arguments and nodded, "Will you stay?" he snuggled down in the blankets that had a lingering smell of John, the birds had started chirping outside and sunlight was making an entrance. Lafayette nodded and nestled up behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

Alexander slept, Lafayette didn't not but he stayed close and kept Alexander warm. When the bed went cold, Alexander woke up in the realization he was alone then he heard people talking, not outside, in the tent. He kept quiet and pretended to still be asleep so he could listen to the conversation.  
"I heard your little tussle last night,"  
"I feel the whole camp heard it,"  
There was a huff from the man who wasn't Lafayette, "How is Alexander? More importantly, how are you?"  
"Alexander will be okay when John returns, he misses him."  
There was a pause, now all Alexander could hear was having breathing.  
"You didn't answer the last question," The man sounded slightly out of breath. Alexander interested spiked, he pretended to roll over in his sleep and peaked out. Washington. Washington looking unusually tender, sitting in front of Lafayette holding his hands. Alexander couldn't see the damage in the darkness of last night, but now he could. Lafayette must have bit his lip at some point, it was puffy and Alexander assumed it would have a split in it somewhere. His cheek was developing a deep purple bruise. Alexander could feel shame and embarrassment pricking in his veins.  
"I have been through worse."  
"How is your calf?" Washington asked.  
"It has healed, there is still a hint of pain but I am okay."  
Washington nodded, he got off the chair and kissed Lafayette on the forehead, tentatively holding his face in his big hands, "I need to be off, wake Alexander we have work."  
Alexander found this side of Washington strange. Usually he was stiff and unaffectionate, Alexander remembered the first time they met, Alexander could feel the tension when Lafayette kissed a ridged Washington who looked unamused.  
Lafayette stood up and returned the kiss, “Will be seeing you tonight?”  
“We shall see.” One last kiss and Washington left the tent. That explained why Lafayette was sometimes absent when Alexander came to bed. Alexander rolled over, preparing for Lafayette to ‘wake’ him.  
There a brief pause, Lafayette took a moment for himself then came and sat on the bed. He sighed, “Ready for the morning?” he asked loudly. Alexander was not, he wanted to wallow in self-pity and forget about every that had happened. “You will have to get up at some time, and I would like it to be sooner rather than later.” He got off the bed and walked to the door.  
“I’m sorry.” Alexander murmured.  
“You are fine, I would just like you to get up.” Alexander watched him leave.

The marks left by Lafayette’s hands were easily covered by Alexander’s cravat. He ignored the letter on the desk like everyone ignored the bruises on Lafayette’s face. ALexander sat in the meeting and felt numb, he felt like a ghost watching everybody else but unable to interact. He stared down at the blank parchment, suddenly Alexander felt the world was crashing in around him. He could no longer handle the disruption to the normality he’d carved out for himself. Lafayette now knew too much, his perception of Washing had changed drastically. Alexander broke down, crying so hard he felt like he was going to drown. “Son,” Washington called after him when he ran out of the tent.  
Alexander sat on the damp grass outside the tent and heaved on the remainders of tears. He was interrupted by Lafayette looming over him, he offered Alexander a hand and pulled him up. Without thinking, Alexander hugged him, Lafayette stiffened by then relaxed and put his arms around. Nothing was said between them. They hugged standing outside the tent until Alexander calmed down. They still didn’t speak when they went their separate ways.  
Alexander suffocated himself in work for the next two days, he ignored the existence of both Washington and Lafayette.


	5. Chapter 5

Then John came back, now with a hole in his shoulder. Alexander wanted to be by his side as he nursed the gunshot wound but he couldn’t face him. He stayed in Lafayette’s tent and blanked him at meals. John could not understand it, then Lafayette brought the letter to light. John’s heart sunk, he knew Alexander wouldn’t want an explanation but he needed to supply one. He coordinated with Lafayette to trap him in their tent. Alexander paced like a caged tiger, not looking at John. 

“I owe you an explanation,” John began, Alexander froze, “I met her when I was 18, it was my first time with a woman and I was naive. She fell pregnant and I did the honorable thing and married her,” John sighed, “I don’t think I ever love her,” there was a tear rolling down both of their cheeks, “I think I am in love with you and I should have told you sooner. Am I sorry.”  
Alexander genuinely didn’t know what to say, he turned around. John was sitting on a chair, silently crying just like Alexander. “Okay.” Alexander said, wanting to say something.  
“Is that all you have to say?” John laughed. Alexander nodded and came closer to him, “I do love you and if I could I would marry you.”  
That scared Alexander, he’d never gotten that close to anyone and he didn’t want to lose that, “Did you know that Lafayette’s sleeping with Washington, that’s,” Alexander pulled a disgusted face to make John laugh again.  
John did, “I’m glad they’re having fun, but how are you?” he wanted to get this conversation back on the rails.  
Alexander sighed, “I missed you, and I’m sorry.” Alexander sat on the desk near John.  
“Why are you sorry?” John shuffled closer to him.  
“Shoulda been here when your shoulder was healing.”  
John laughed, he too had missed him and was glad to be back. There was a hint of guilt towards the letters, “I should have told you sooner.” John lamented quietly, taking Alexander’s hand and pressed a soft kiss on it.  
No amount of lamenting was going to fix the hurt that Alexander felt and didn’t want to talk about, “Do you have an interesting scar?” he asked, wanting the subject to be dead and buried.  
John chuckled, “Is this you wanting me to take my shirt off?” Alexander smirked, John, stood up and kissed Alexander’s forehead, “I do love you.” John said undoing his cravat then his waistcoat and finally off came the shirt, exposing the hole in John’s shoulder. It wasn’t what Alexander had been expecting. He’d expected it to be healed with clean white scar tissue, but no. It looked like an angry red star covered in browning scabs and surrounded by green bruising, it stretched from the end of his shoulder to his collarbone. John laughed at the disgusted face Alexander pulled.  
“I need to clean and probably redress it.”  
“I could do it?” Alexander offered.  
“Please be gentle.” John sat back down.  
Alexander grabbed the bowl of water from behind him, “Tell me-” he sighed, “Tell me about what happened.”  
This launched John into a recount of everything that had happened, wincing every time Alexander pressed a little too hard. Alexander felt happy for the first in a while, but he knew that it would last as they would have to work their way through this with more awkward conversions.  
For now, Alexander was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. The began life as a short one-shot that didn't fit with the real book I am writing and now it's its own horrible monster. Maybe I'll write some wholesome Lafayette for the shit I put him through. Who knows, I may even write him and Washington getting to together. Or you could tell me what to write.


End file.
